At first I thought society was doomed; then I thought about nail polish. Nail polish gives me hope for the future. Here's why.
Nail polish is synonymous with progress, striving for excellence, refusing to admit defeat, finding solutions to impossible problems, making my digits bling out and shine against the drab color of my computer keyboard.
Forget affordable healthcare, forget job creation, forget sustainable environmental practices. Where our country SUCCEEDS is in the field of MANICURES.
Observe the following, in which I track my complex love-hate history with manicures / polish / the art of grooming -- culminating in a renewing and triumphant ending (photo included). Living Through Hope and Despair: Felicia's Nail Polish Flowchart
1. I suck at putting on nail polish; it always looks smudged and like the Joker's mouth on my finger. What do I do? --> Duh. Go get a manicure.
2. Ugh...but manicures suck because I have sensitive cuticles and I am weirdly always paired up with the most violent and vengeful manicurist. --> No you're not, you're just paranoid.
3. You're right, I'll just grin and bear it. --> Good. Now sit there for forty-five minutes while nothing happens and you grow progressively more bored.
4. I guess I'll read a magazine. --> See? Isn't this fun?
5. Crap! Every time I get a manicure I smudge it when I go to pay! --> This is such a no-brainer, Felicia. Just pay BEFOREHAND.
6. But then it chips within, like, a day regardless. What do I do? --> Surprise! Science has just invented something called the GEL MANICURE. It stays on for almost two weeks, whether you like it or not!
7. Whoa! This is awesome! I haven't had a chip in so long! I'm the best! Are you sure it's not, like, cancerous for them to shoot UV rays all over my hands to dry the gel? --> I'm not sure, but I'm going to willfully ignore it.
8. Now how do I get these damn things off? --> I guess you could try to peel them?
9. Owwww owwww owww I just peeled off the gel and it hurts and now my nails look like cottage cheese helllllp. --> That's gross.
10. So what do I do? --> Easy: go back for another gel manicure. At least they didn't chip. At least you're getting added value by having them done professionally. And remember how sometimes even though you hate stuff you forget you hate it after a few days and then you go back and do it again?
11. You're right. I'll keep getting gel manicures, until the rest of time. --> Excellent.
12. But help! Even though gel manicures last, and they look super good, they're so expensive! I'm a poor writer trying to make ends meet while writing a nonsensical novel, but in order to write said novel, I need my nails to stand out colorfully against the keyboard; it is the only way to summon writerly inspiration. So what do I do? --> You're in luck! Try TREND TIPS by Sephora: pre-cut nail polish that you peel and stick on. You think it's going to chip, but it totally won't. It's only $12 bucks, it doesn't have to dry, and it looks fab. Then you just remove it with regular nail polish remover.
13. Uh, did the person writing this blog get paid to write that? --> No, but she should.
14. I love these things! They're the best! --> Wanna show us a pic?
Check it: they're birds, yo.
15. These are so cool! They're like pre-dried nail polish without being sticker-like. They look good and won't smudge. All of my problems have been solved! If science can perfect the art of nail polish, so can it perfect every aspect of our lives, even if we continue to live unsustainably on our great and mistreated Mother Earth. I'm going to buy all eighteen designs! --> See? Fairy Tales DO exist.
Just sent this to all my email list subscribers! (If you'd like to join the fun, click here for news, updates and ramblings.)
*** Dear Clever and Beautiful Ones!
Behold! I've crawled from my cold and silty e-grave of email neglect to re-engage with ye, my trusty mailing list subscribers! I pray with all my might you'll take me back, despite my persistent neglect and distinctly corpse-like appearance.
Perhaps I can entice you with exciting news?
Unnaturally Green is now LESS THAN $4 BUCKS (for the e-book) and a mere $11.99 for the paperback! Now's the perfect time to give it as a gift to everybody you know (since I righty assume you ALL, without exception, have read it). Get another copy, like, ASAP!
I'll be appearing (live! in the flesh!) alongside author Gregory Maguire and actor Andre De Shields this June 1-3 at the 34th Annual OZ-STRAVAGANZA Festival in Chittenango, New York (right near Syracuse), touting my book, signing things, and answering questions with unfounded authoritativeness. Get more info here!
OTHER FUN STUFF
I've been updating my Five-Trick Pony blog with greater frequency, which means I've been resorting to posts like this.
Do you have questions ("What the heck have you been doing lately?"*), comments ("I find your excessive enthusiasm to be endearing"), or ideas ("I think there's a market for edible nail polish")? Shoot me an email and I'll do my best to write back!
As always, thanks for being a part of this zany list!
Much love and aged cheeses,
*Answer: I've been writing, writing, writing (novels are hard (yep, I'm writing a novel (it's going to take a loooong time (so don't get too excited now)))), teaching voice, reading amazing young adult books, like this one, eating protein, lifting heavy weights, tweeting...enjoying this most unusual and utterly enjoyable late-mid-twenties phase of my life. What have you been up to?
Our culture exalts conventional beauty above all else. It wins out in so many spheres. Except books. On the page, beauty can be anywhere: in turns of phrases, perfect dialogue, sentences that stoke the imagination. The mundane can be spectacular; beauty can be anything it wants.
Except conventional. If writing is conventional, you've got to edit, revise, edit, revise.
In the world of words, who cares if her face is symmetrical? What is she feeling? What is she discovering? What beautiful lesson is being learned?
This, my friends, is one of the many reasons I love books.
Recently I fell down a deep, dark internet hole. For reasons unholyunjustifiable unbeknownst to me I found myself watching a perplexing video of the British boy band One Direction playing together on the beach. Don't ask me why, it just happened.
It reminded me of that "say I'm a bird" scene from The Notebook (below). If I had to cast the boys in the roles I'd say Harry Styles (the one with the longest, most unkempt hair who throws the towel) would be Ryan Gosling and all the other guys would be Rachel McAdams.
[ In unrelated, though actually related, news: I've decided it's high time I posted totally random/worthless stuff on this blog. Lately my brain has been leaking and I need this blog to catch the drips. You might think of these posts as longer versions of my unapologetically worthless tweets, which, on principle, rarely contribute anything to society. So forgive me in advance. Then enjoy! ]
THIS IS A BLOG POST ABOUT THE TIME I MET STEPHEN SCHWARTZ (HOLY CRAP) WHICH WAS LAST NIGHT OUTSIDE THE ST. JAMES THEATER (HOLY CRAP) AND THEN I SKIPPED ALL THE WAY HOME (HOLY CRAP) AND NARROWLY DODGED GETTING SIDE-SWIPED BY A TAXI (IT HAPPENS).
AND YES I'M GOING TO START WRITING THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT GIVES THE IMPRESSION THAT I'M SHOUTING AND INDEED I WISH TO SHOUT BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO CONVEY MY EXTREME EXCITEMENT.
[Felicia takes sip of water, regroups.]
Okay, I just took a sip of water and regrouped, so I guess the shouting can stop (FOR NOW).