[SENT FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2011]
Dear Sisterhood of the Unnatural Pants,
Hark! Our fat little newborn UNNATURALLY GREEN lies on my kitchen counter, kicking and squirming and demanding to be read. Already it has reached its 1-week birthday (today), and is preternaturally verbal, speaking in full sentences, insisting that I blend its food until completely chunk-less. But the demands don't end there. Just today, it spake these very words:
I feel as if, somehow, UNNATURALLY was conceived with the help of all of you (too weird an image?). As our shared book-love-child grows into a spoiled brat, I am plagued with questions:
Who am I? What is this imperious death march we call time? Have you read UNNATURALLY GREEN yet? (Because people seem to like it.)
Instead of scrawling these questions in the form of poetry in a moleskin notebook, I have decided to write you an email. Incidentally, this email also commemorates the first of many "Unnatural Fridays" -- something I invented just now -- which are days on which we will be celebrating UNNATURALLY GREEN and its illustrious birth!
On said "Unnatural Fridays" you'll sometimes get fun new video gifts, or new contest announcements, or blog entries, posted to the Facebook Fan Page. More often you'll get a self-indulgent, quasi-humorous email (like this one) and/or the chance to witness me and other people being really weird on camera. Often I'll urge you to tell a friend (or 90 million) about UNNATURALLY GREEN, or perhaps leave a customer review on Amazon.
As thanks, I will foist the following onto you, against your will:
BLOG: The runners-up and remaining writing contest submissions here!
If you have anything to say whatsoever to Felicia (i.e. me), reply to this email! She (I) will try to write back ASAP!
Now I must go off to tend to our adorable demon baby.