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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Top 5 Practical Gifts For Your Actor Friends

Wanna show your actor friend you care? Get them a thing!

How about I lend you a helping hand? Because, let's face it, actors are hard to buy for. We're moody and outlandish, and we gesticulate a lot.

Five-Trick Pony's list eschews conventional, some might even say thoughtful, recommendations (like Sondheim's Finishing the Hat, or sheet music, or theater tickets) and gets back to the bare essentials. Presenting,

TOP 5 PRACTICAL GIFTS FOR YOUR ACTOR FRIENDS.

GIFT IDEA #1: Scarf.

The gist: Simple, fashionable.
Why: Unique accent pieces like a toadstool scarf (at right) help your actor friend draw attention to himself, which provides a fleeting sense of self-worth. Also, they protect vocal cords.
But Remember: Every actor owns hundreds of scarves, so it's important to stay on the cutting edge of fashion. If he doesn't like it or you give him something he already has, just tell him it's a belt, or a prop.
Verdict: Perfect gift at an affordable price.

GIFT IDEA #2: Hot Guys and Baby Animals 2011 Calendar.

The gist: Hot guys and baby animals help you know what the date is.
Why: My boyfriend is featured in this calendar as the month of February. He is shirtless and holding a goat (I am not joking -- see right). And if there's one thing I've learned from working in theater, it's that pictures of my shirtless boyfriend can bridge any social gap. Regardless of race, religion, or voice part, people love to look at a hot dude, and then they all become friends. The United Nations should employ this tactic when negotiating with hostile countries.
But Remember: A small percentage of your actor friends might be straight males, in which case, you should reconsider buying this gift.
Verdict: Much better than the Hot Animals, Baby Guys 2011 Calendar.

GIFT IDEA #3: Money.

The gist: Easy, no wrapping required.
Why: If your friend is an actor, he is probably unemployed. If he is unemployed, he probably needs money. If he needs money, he probably wants it as a gift.
But Remember: You can't pretend to have spent more money on your money than the amount that's written on the actual money.
Verdict: You really can't go wrong here, except if you give out Sacagawea coins, which are heavy and comical.

GIFT IDEA #4: Double-stick tape.

The gist: Countless uses, hours of fun.
Why: The complete list of double-stick tape's practical applications would take me days to transcribe, so I'll simply list the most relevant: 1) Affixing headshots to the backs of résumés, 2) Sticking Twilight posters onto your ceiling, 3) Taming your assets in low-cut apparel, 4) Pinning up photobooth prints and/or Polaroids to your shabby-chic full-length mirror. Also, lends itself to a whole host of puns in the accompanying gift card, i.e. "Let's stick together!" "I'm stuck on you!" "We're double the trouble!" "Sorry I leaked your sex tape!"
But Remember: You run the risk of giving too good a gift.
Verdict: Don't think, just buy.

And, finally...

GIFT IDEA #5: Clinical Strength Deodorant.

The gist: Keeps you dry under pressure.
Why: Actors are sweaty beasts (I know from personal experience) and there's nothing worse than trying to impress an audition panel while you're crying from your pits. This gift helps prevent NWL (Net Water Loss), a dangerous armpit-sweat side effect.
(Water Bottle Input – Pit Sweat Output = Net Water Loss
if Pit Sweat Output > Water Bottle Input.) Plus, hardcore deodorant has all kinds of chemicals that shorten life expectancy, which means that after your actor friend reaches an uncastable age, he will suffer through fewer years of self-loathing and regret.
But remember: No one, especially an actor, wants to admit to using this. Be discreet!
Verdict: Life-changing, but be sure to hide this gift inside another gift.

And that concludes this year's list. Now, go be a good little consumer! Disperse!

And do add your own suggestions to the comments section.
--FR

14 comments:

  1. Oh my word... I want that calendar. A LOT.

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  2. Wuts your Paypal id? ...and I promise I wont spend more on you than I spent on my girlfriend... or my wife. hehehe Ok, well maybe a little bit more because you're my fav actress. Too bad you cant sell autographed photo's of you in your Elphaba costume.

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  3. Second in line for that calendar.
    Sacagawea coins....snort. How did you know that in one of my past lives that's just who I was? I know this because I NEVER get lost in NYC. Except, perhaps, in the bowels of Alphabet City at 2 in the morning, returning from some club....I just look for the Empire State Building and walk North 'til I hit 17th Street. Works every time.

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  4. I so needed to read this just now! Thanks for tha laughs Felicia...I love your sense of humor and your way with words. I would say that if one goes with a scarf, they should also include two boxes of deodorant...same with the calendar. - Ruth

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  5. Dudes, on a side note: the Broadwayworld.com message forum is a MINE FIELD! I didn't know there could be so many haters! I don't normally do this, but I started a convo thread with a link to this post because I thought the theater community might appreciate some theater-related humor, and all I got served was a glass of haterade!

    Sheesh. I've learned my lesson.

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  6. Oh psh, I don't understand the hate. This is hilarity at its finest people! And who could possibly not fall for the adorableness that is hot and talented actress making insightful fun of her own profession? More power to Felicia (who deserves to have her own show on Broadway)!

    LOVE <3

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  7. I only comment once and haters just pop out of nowhere! its so weird there hmmm maybe they've never been held by their parents

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  8. *sings to the tune of 'People'*
    Broadway...
    Broadwayworld.com-ers...
    They're the snarkiest people
    In the wooooorld.

    Haters aside, I happen to think your blog is hilarious. It can always be counted upon to brighten up my day (especially during the doom of gloom of exams), and I shall certainly be taking your suggestions into account while Christmas shopping ;)

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  9. Re: Broadwayworld.com-
    Dude, I don't think half of those folks even really like theatre...
    Screw them anyway -- I love the blog. Keep doin' the do...

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  10. The whole BWW thing was quite a laugh. People will raise all kinds of hell for a few moments of Internet attention (cough cough, "theaterdiva"). I enjoyed the study break!

    Do you have any more NYC performances before the new year?

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  11. Merry Christmas! Thanks for the great gift idea (numero dos) -- a portion of the proceeds benefit the SF SPCA, which is awesome. Your BF is a cool dude for participating.

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  12. Hey, Ellen DeGeneres featured the calendar on her show yesterday (sadly, she did not show February -- I blame the goat). I feel so ahead of the curve for already having one.

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  13. Really nice gifts for your actor. Keep posting.

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  14. Ehh, duct tape may very well be better than double stick.


    Heated debate anyone?

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